Monday, 23 December 2013

A little down time for Warrior Man.

Welcome. How are we all?
I hope the festive season is treating you well.
Here in the Kingdom of Longburnberg we celebrate by covering a pig in treacle.
Then the townsfolk chase it around, trying to have a lick.
Last year this event caused the spread of a plague that nearly wiped out our beach volleyball team.

I had those responsible thrown into the ghoulag.
It's like a gulag only haunted.

Today's comic is inspired by a cardboard dollhouse that my Mum made for my brother and me when we were kids (gender based toys be damned).
In the dollhouse, New Adventures of He-Man Skeletor would get up in the morning, fall downstairs (he's an accomplished tumbler) and have breakfast.
Then he would go to work, leaving He-Man - who was missing a leg and a half and collected a disability pension - to work on his novel.

Nowadays Skeletor has retired to the shelves on my desk where he spends all day wearing spring-loaded fold out Batman wings.

I freakin' love toys,
~Kong Longburns.

P.S. Did I mention that I made a promotional Twitter? No. No I didn't.
You can follow my twiddling here.
Keep up with the latest whatevers!

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Hold on. Your driver's licence says your name is "Wotan".

Greetings and salutations.
I know it's been a little while, but don't worry, I'm still here.
I've been hugely unmotivated the last couple of weeks, so it took me a while to get this one done.
Also, I'm learning exactly how well I deal with stress, which apparently is "OK, but not great. Could use some improvement".
It's fine though. A mild but persistent feeling of panic is just part of being an adult, right?

So, Odin eh?
I haven't seen the latest Thor movie, so I don't know if they've explained Odin's pimp eye patch.
It doesn't matter though, because you are now equipped with this magical knowledge.
Feel free to go forth and spread this new found wisdom.
It's ok. I'll wait.


Ah, there you are. Where was I? Oh that's right.
I once worked on a fancy animated version of the Ring Cycle (a.k.a. I Love Wotan) which is where I first heard about Odin's freaky eye thing.
I asked why Wotan (Odin) had an eye missing, and I was told 'he was told that if he pulled out one of his eyes he would gain wisdom'
and I said "that sounds like exactly the type of thing you could persuade a stupid person to do".

For the record, I love old mythology, so I don't mean to be rude to poor old Odin.
At least he has a cool beard and hat to make up for a lack of depth perception.

Feeling quite clever enough with his two eyes, thank you very much,
~King Longburns.

P.S. The animation that I worked on was not in any way actually called "I Love Wotan".

Saturday, 23 November 2013

The appointment is at 2:25 to avoid any terrible jokes.

Welcome all.
I hope you are all well.
How are your teeth? I hope you're practicing good dental hygiene.
I myself am doing OK in that regard. At least well enough to not have holes in my teeth.
I'm considering that a victory.

Has anyone played that Surgeon Simulator game?
Am I the only one who would be interested in a dentistry version of that?
Someone get onto that.
Or don't.
I don't own you.

Secretly does own you,
~King Longburns.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

If this was a Civilisation game, he'd have hairball nukes.

Howdy, y'all!!!
How was that? Was that a little too much?
Ok, I'll tone it down next time.

Today's comic is one for those with fussy cats.
For those of you who don't already know, cats can be jerks.
It is not uncommon for a cat to suddenly refuse to eat what was previously its favourite food.
Then again, it all looks pretty gross to me.

I like to give my cat a chicken neck with her dinner, and she will eat them but only in secret.
Either that or she's hiding them somewhere.
I really hope she's eating them.

Keeping an eye out for a chicken neck graveyard,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

It's all in the execution.

Good day to you, one and all.
Today's comic may or may not be an accurate depiction of the punishment system in my kingdom.
I honestly don't know. I have an evil sheriff who takes care of that sort of thing.
I don't normally support execution as a method of punishment, but since my kingdom and all of its inhabitants are imaginary, I'll allow it.

So, Halloween huh.
I live in Australia, so Halloween isn't such a big thing here,
but we will usually have at least a couple of groups of kids come around, trying to shake us down for lollies.
This year I hid from them because I forgot to buy anything for them.
All I had was dry cat food and an apple.
I might let my evil sheriff take care of that side of things as well in the future.

Instead we like to celebrate the Melbourne Cup, which instead of kids dressed as goblins has kid sized adults dressed in colourful satin riding horses.
I'm not that interested in the horse racing, so for me it's basically just a public holiday.
Except that it isn't a public holiday for me.
So basically it was Tuesday today.

In other news, it's November so all the big games are coming out now,
but I can't afford to buy expensive things right now so we won't be speaking of them.

Shaking his tin cup,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 25 October 2013

May contain graphic violins.

Welcome all.
I hope you enjoyed all the festivities.
They were all imaginary, so if you didn't enjoy yourself, you have only yourself to blame.

I imagined those German slap dancers. Man, those guys are something.
Why can't we have more of that on TV.
I would watch that.

I'm tired and I can't think of anything better to talk about,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 18 October 2013

Remember, girls, stay in school.

Good day to you, one and all.
I hope you are well today. I myself am well enough.
Although, I have had enough of this crazy Melbourne weather.
It's been all over the place. At one point yesterday it was sunny and hailing at the same time.
Frankly, that's just rude.

Recently I've been playing a lot of the online side of GTAV, and I have to say that I've been having a grand time.
Of course I didn't really enjoy the first couple of days of failing to connect.
Or the fact that my character disappeared and I had to start again.
Or the fact that everyone seems to shoot me as a reflex response.
Still, I have had many a good time.

If you are looking for something new to try in the game, I must recommend taking a bike ride around the map.
Assuming no-one comes along to shoot you or run you over, you will have a wonderful time.
Some of the sleepy towns you'll ride through are very nice, and the road train of traffic you'll end up leading is pretty good too.
You can also give them all the finger if you like.
This serves no practical purpose.

Living it up in a dingy, smokey little apartment,
~King Longburns.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Socrates himself is particularly missed...

Welcome everyone. You're just in time for a little taste of the History of King Longburns.

Back before I was a pretend King, I majored in Philosophy at university.
My special topic was epistemology, where I found out how not to know that there is a sheep in a field, how to make an imperfect version of the idea of a table,
and why you should always wear sunglasses when exiting a cave for the first time.

I particularly liked ancient Greek philosophy. It's still surprisingly relevant, but it's outdated enough to pick holes in, which is a special hobby of mine.
Magic gold blood indeed.
Also, I get to imagine people wearing togas, so it gets bonus points for that.

One of the best things I ever read was Plato's Cave allegory. You should check it out. Zach Weiner of S.M.B.C. did a comic on it. You should look at that too.
The guy is a machine gun of comics. I don't know how he does it.
He's much better than I am and I am jealous, but in a good way.

The comic this week is based on Socratic Dialogues, which are well worth reading.
Spoiler alert: Socrates wins.

Looking for the idea of a table in an Ikea catalogue,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

The Pharaoh always plans for the future.

Greetings all. How are you?
I'm doing well. The Kingdom is looking nice and everyone is having a good time.
Except the serfs, who stubbornly refuse to enjoy themselves.
Frankly, it's verging on treason.

I have still been playing a whole lot of GTA V this week, and it's been a hoot.
I took a break from the main story for a while and had myself an epic adventure.
I highly recommend doing this if you haven't already.
My adventure started with a little boating trip, and by the end of it I had climbed mountains, tumbled down rapids, ridden trains and dodged mountain lions.

Speaking of which, I wanted to take a trek up to the yoga spot on the top of the mountain,
and as went I had to keep an eye out for mountain lions, because they are deadly.
I started to joke that maybe the yoga spot was actually a trap set by the lions to catch yoga enthusiasts,
and wouldn't you know it, when I got there there was a mountain lion waiting for me.
The crafty bastards.

The comic this week has nothing to do with GTA, but I was in an exotic kind of a mood, so I thought we should go somewhere nice for a change.

Trying to convince the people that I'm a God-King,
~King Longburns.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Trevor is magical, and everyone loves him.

Hello and welcome once again.
Despite being a bit late, I have managed to push out a comic this week.
I blame the lateness on extensive research into the subject matter.

Yes, like most of the console owning population, I have been playing GTA V.
I am pleased to report that I have been enjoying it muchly.
I played the living crap out of the last one, and I really got into the gritty, semi-realism of it.
Switching to the wild, hollywood style action town of GTA V hasn't required too much of an adjustment.
I did however find it a bit odd that you can roll a car that you're in back onto its wheels with the sheer force of your will.
Seriously, is that weird to anyone else? I find that really weird.
Plus, you can just roll it back and forth if you want, shaking the car to pieces.

Fortunately I'm not in the habit of rolling my cars over, and it is hugely convenient, so I'm willing to overlook the occasional burst of superpowers.
In the end, I guess I am free to play it straight and not roll my car around.
Seems like a waste of a good superpower though.
You know what they say about great power and all.

They say "roll your car about. It looks funny".

Finally able to go and play the game again,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

The furniture is revolting!

Hello again, and welcome.
I hope you are well rested, for today we go fox hunting!
Here, we prefer a more humane version of fox hunting, where we use Nerf guns and we hunt a guy called Mike who's wearing a fox costume. It's much more fun this way.
Except for Mike of course, but he doesn't have any say in the matter.

We had a revolution in the Great Kingdom of Longburnitopia once, but it was quickly stopped when I offered the people money and a wide range of human rights.
People are suckers for rights.

Back in university, I majored in philosophy, and today's comic is based on a conversation that I had in one of my classes.
The topic of the day was The Mind, and my tutor at the time was suggesting that one of the chairs had no mind.
They said that the chair showed no signs of any mind, did not respond to anything, was not acting on any desires etc.

I thought that this was, frankly, rude, as the chair had been made to be completely rigid, and could not act on any impulses, even if it had a mind.
I said that maybe the chair did have a mind, and was standing there wishing it could leave, cursing its makers for its fixed, unmoving body.
The tutor was impressed, and said that I obviously did have a mind.
Personally, I think that was a pretty bold claim.

Anyway, I remembered the chair thing until this very day, and lo, it has birthed a comic.
Who ever said that a philosophy degree wouldn't be of any use to me later in life?
Look at me now, Mum!

Waxing lyrical,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

You may have a virus or two.

Welcome again, my honored guest.
Take a seat and enjoy the roast soup-of-the-day. Today it is whole pig.

Some of you may know this already, but as a King, my responsibilities extend to IT support. In this role I have seen many computers, and I have indeed managed to notice a few trends.
The above is entirely true. I think I have seen this rule broken maybe twice, and that's over a period of almost six years now.
I don't mean to be rude about people's computers of course - that's what the Court Jester is for. Most people keep their computers in an entirely acceptable state. Some people are indeed very apologetic about their entirely spotless laptop.

Occasionally, however, I will encounter a computer that could only be described as...     ...unclean.

I have seen laptops covered in a thin but uniform coating of grease. I have seen several sporting more than a few pieces of chocolate. I've also seen what I like to tell myself are beard hairs, but really, were probably pubes.

I'd like to ask people one thing if I may: While you are more than welcome to keep your computer in whatever state you like, if you are going to require someone else to touch it, do please give it a bit of a wipe down first.

Washing his royal hands once again,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Election time. Party time.

Sound the alarm! Batten down the hatches! Someone's been rearranging my webpage!
Oh wait, that was me.
Yes, dear viewer, I have finally gotten around to organizing things for easy(er) viewing. It's a bit of a half-arsed effort at the moment, as I have no idea what I'm doing here, but it's a start. I did this all just before posting, so it's a bit last minute.

Er.. I mean, everything's very professional around here. Move along.

Also, check out the little spaces in between the panels. That's new. That's advanced CGI and cost $20 million.
I think I got ripped off.


So, we're getting all political this week. Well, as political as I'm willing to go with this. Of course, this is due to the fact that we have elections coming up.
What's that? You don't have elections coming up? You should come and live where I do. We have elections coming up.

We also have elections here in the kingdom, but they're just for show obviously. It's kind of a public event.
There's a parade and confetti, and everyone comes out to get a big picture of me stamped on their ballot. It's a lot of fun.
I actually managed to lose one time.
That was a weird couple of years.

Running for the seat of Comfortable Seat,
~King Longburns.

Edit: I changed the title so as not to accidentally offend anyone.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

The greatest story ever told by children.

Good day to you one and all. I hope you are all well.
I'm well enough, but I put my neck out from the sheer effort of finishing today's comic. I am currently pulling pathetic little pained faces while I write this.

So I had a small freak out last week when my comic actually received a measurable amount of attention. Net visitors to my site here actually doubled overnight, which was really cool. I had expected to be pottering around in complete obscurity for a the foreseeable future, so it was nice to see what a little spike it popularity might be like.

I am also happy to announce that since this website may actually receive visitors sometimes, I have moved the long overdue website redesign plans up to sometime-in-the-near-future instead of whenever-I-can-be-bothered-getting-around-to-it. This means that at some point nearly soon this may actually become easy to navigate and visually appealing.
Not today, obviously, but soon.
Soonish anyway.
Sooner rather than later.

I want to say thanks to all the people who gave me kind words of encouragement for my comic last week. Everyone was actually really nice. Especially on the Kerbal Space Program sub-reddit, where some people seemed very insistent that I do more Kerbal based comics for ever and ever, until the heat death of the universe.
Now, I don't know about more Kerbal comics endlessly for all time, but I certainly think it's worth doing a few more, so I shall indeed be doing that. If people keep liking them, then I guess I'll keep making them.

Don't worry, I'm not nearly focused enough for the eclectic theme of my comics to change entirely. I will still mostly be making comics based on nothing but my own internal dialogue.
It's ok. You can relax.

Case in point: A Christmas comic in August?! What is this? Man, no-one saw that one coming did they? Ha ha! I'm just so wacky!

Not nearly as wacky as he claims,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Kerbal Space Rescue Program

Greeting from Moon Castle Alpha.
Our scientific studies of the rocks here are progressing nicely, and I have adopted one of the rocks as a pet. I have named him Mumphrey.
Please send more blankets as it is cold on the moon. Also, Mumphrey has eaten all of the peanuts, so please send more of those.

If you don't know already, today's comic is about Kerbal Space Program, a delightful game where you hurl tiny astronauts into space using huge rockets and then lose them. Well that's been my experience anyway. It's basically a NASA simulator that lets you assemble rockets in a big hangar and then hope that you understand rocket science enough for them to get into space. If you're ok at the game you can get stuff into orbit, and maybe to the "Mun". If you're actually good at the game you can get little guys all the way to other planets.

I am only "ok" at this game. I did manage to get little people to the moon. Then I managed to rescue them from the moon with a different rocket. Bob Kerbin did indeed spend four whole in-game years free floating in orbit, and then I did indeed almost wipe him out with the rescue vehicle, like some runaway space bus.
I did get him down in the end though, so don't worry.
Although, I think he actually preferred it up there

I have tried to get better at the game, but every time I try to get through one of the advanced tutorial pages on the wiki I get to the equations and I realise that I am not actually a physicist and go back to my "more rockets, more struts" strategy. There has been a lot of trial and error in my rocket designs, and more importantly in my general flying technique. I tend to launch a rocket or attempt a mission, watch it fail horribly, and then go and figure out how I was supposed to have done it.

For example; the only reason why Bob got lost in space was because I didn't know what button turned his jet-pack on, so he just drifted away.
Also I didn't know how to load a quicksave, so when I screwed up the moon landings I had to start over from launch.
That was a bit lame.

Many kerbals died.

Drawing up plans to get Bob back into orbit,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Hillbilly Batman saves the day.

Greetings all. It is I, King Longburns, bringing you yet another Batman related comic.
What is this, the fourth time I've posted a Batman comic on here?
I don't even read Batman.

Did you hear that they're making a Batman and Superman movie? I imagine that it will be cool in a special effects and explosions sense. I'm just not sure that it will be a good movie. Basically, I'm expecting it to be a bit stupid. It seems like a cash-in, and let's face it, the match up is a bit imbalanced. I'm not sure what Batman is supposed to do when Superman is flying around punching stuff. I'm also not really sure what Superman does when Batman is doing his thing.
Stand around looking awkward I guess.

Then again, I'm saying this before any information is known about what the film might end up being. For all I know it could be a great film when it's finished, so I should reserve judgement for now. In the interests of diplomacy, of course.

Since I know nothing about the story that this movie will end up having, I shall instead outline some storylines that they could use. I will happily sell these ideas to the producers of said movie if they are interested.

1) Batman is out driving his Bat-Plane when he comes across Superman. They trade carrot cake recipes until they hear on the radio that Lex Luthor has escaped and taken hostages. Also there is a bomb. Superman and Batman then take turns punching Lex Luthor for the rest of the movie.

2) Superman challenges Batman to a race. Superman will run and Batman can use his Batmobile. If Batman loses, Superman will use the kids' club house as his new fortress of solitude/corporate headquarters. Superman wins, but it turns out that the club house was owned by the kindly old Mr. Brick the whole time, who gifts it to the kids.

3) Batman sees Superman and instantly takes a dislike to him. Batman challenges Superman to a boxing contest. When Superman turns up for the contest, Batman isn't there and is instead on TV, calling Superman a sissy.

4) Superman and Batman in an epic drinking contest... the death.

5) Superman and Batman slash fic.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Why not try to think up some more yourself? It's a fun game that the whole family can enjoy.

Being the night, or at least the late afternoon,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Hercule Poirot and the Moustache of Face.

Ah, hello there. Welcome to the Longburns Health Spa and Sanitarium. Do you have a reservation?
Ah yes, under "Shatner". No, no, I assure you that never gets old.
Feel free to enjoy the facilities. They have been carefully selected to be a relaxing distraction from the stresses of everyday life.

It's odd though... Relaxing as it may be, I often have the strangest feeling that it would also be the perfect place....  FOR MURDER!!!

Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Sorry. I didn't mean to alarm everyone.
IT'S FINE, EVERYBODY! Please go back to your rooms.
There's no murder. It's fine. Everything's fine. No, please Colonel, put that away. It's fine. I was joking. It was just for dramatic effect. Yes, Mrs. Winterbottom, I know you have a heart condition. I'm very sorry.

Now where was I?
Ah, that's right. I was talking about MURDER!! (Sorry, sorry)


I personally am not a huge fan of crime dramas. I'm not against them, they're just not my thing. My mother on the other hand likes them very much, and will watch any show as long as it is technically a crime show, good or bad. As a consequence I have seen a few myself.

British crime shows can be dark. Like unshaven, alcoholic detective sleeping on his couch investigating child murder rackets dark. Don't ask me what a child murder racket would be. People manage to make businesses out of all sorts of things. In my experience, these shows are equal parts grim detectives being grim, and people crying mucus into their tea.
They will end with the murderer also crying mucus into their tea.

American crime dramas on the other hand have a tendency to be much lighter. Detectives in these shows wear sunglasses and are followed around by The Who. The family members of the victims look like they just lost a hamster. The characters will have attractive, white teeth and will stride about spitting catch-phrases. People take psychics seriously.

Ok, I'm going to get sidetracked here, but what the hell is with Medium? It somehow feels as though that show has done me a personal insult. And is it just me or does the main character come across as being kind of an entitled arsehole? I saw her threaten to kick her husband out of bed because she was hallucinating that everyone - including her husband - were one specific guy. She told him off like he was doing something wrong. She once built a bomb in her house while sleepwalking, and then got defensive about it.
Don't make bombs in your house. That's dangerous.

I like to pretend that she has no psychic abilities at all and is just delusional. It's much more fun this way. The show also makes a lot more sense. Give it a try.

Wait, is that show even still on...? Hmm.

That's ok. Don't bother. It was a bit shitty.
I think that's a general summary of what I'm saying here.

Alison Dubois! That's her name.
Yeah, that's a couple that should try separate bedrooms.

I think I've rambled enough. The Royal Treasury can only afford so much.
~King Longburns.

P.S. Hi, Mum! I'm waving. Can you see? Hi!

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

New Mushroom Kingdom.

Click the image to make up for my crappy formatting.

Hello all,

So, first thing's first, has everyone played Last of Us yet? No, you up the back? You haven't?
That's ok. Neither did I. I had the Earl of PJs play it for my entertainment as I was busy doing King stuff, like writing lots of laws or whatever.

I don't think I could say much about the game that hasn't already been said. It has been covered to death after all (then it turned into a fungus zombie). I'll just say how impressed I am with how much games have evolved as a storytelling medium. A lot of thought went into that game, and the attention to detail is amazing. I mean that literally. I was amazed.

I though it was very good, basically. I liked it.
I would recommend this game, in an official Kingly fashion, to a person.

Man, can you believe that this was made by the same company that made Crash Bandicoot?
Actually, I can. Crash Bandicoot was rad.
Who knows. They probably take place in the same universe.

In other news, I'm still riding something of a mild motivated high after the encouraging experience that was PAX, so hopefully that will translate into more comics!
Those of you in the front three rows will want to make use of the splash guards.

The Royal Monkeys stole my pants again, but that is what I bought them for after all,
~King Longburns.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Games of Thrones

Greetings fellow kings and queens,

I hope you're all well. I'm doing pretty well myself.
I am having a small problem with assassins though lately. Fortunately they're all clown assassins so it's all rubber daggers and blow-pipes with a little "bang" flag inside. It's still annoying though.


I like me a bit of Game of Thrones. It's a gripping series, at least I think so, and holy shit, how's those production values? Ay? Amiright? Seriously though, they've always managed to make the world look old and lived in, which I imagine is quite a feat, especially in a TV series. Especially one that moves around a lot.

I haven't read the books, so I'm just following the show and being flabbergasted at the same time as everyone else. The latest season got pretty full on towards the end, at least for everyone on the Westeros side of the world. Which only made the Daenarys Targaryen storyline more impressive, as she just rolls Katamari style across the countryside.


In other news, PAX Australia was on over the weekend, and I totally went and it was really cool. We even managed to get into almost all of the talks that we wanted to so that was cool. If you ever get a chance to see the live comic drawing I highly recommend it.

I was impressed by how much of a community feel PAX had. It felt a lot less like a big commercial sell that charges admission, and more like a labour of love by people who enjoy and value gaming in all its forms. There was a big focus on indie games in the expo hall. There was also a huge space set up for general game playing, with old consoles, new consoles, board games, card games, tabletop miniature wargames. There was an area where you could borrow old board games to play.
There were a lot of people reading rules. It was cool.

I also met Jerry Holkins out on the floor at one point, and by "met" I mean "said 'hi' to and then loomed behind" while my friend took a photo.
Here is the photo, for the records.

Jerry is the talented and successful writer on the left. I'm the one pulling a face.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Paging Dr. Shakespeare.

Glorious day to you. Come in. Take a seat. I hope you didn't trip over the flower-girls that I had the townsfolk throw into the streets for you. I know, it's strange, but I hear it's an old tradition in some places, so I figured I'd give it a go.
For tradition.


I've just been advised that I may have misunderstood the tradition somewhat.
No matter.

I apologise for my long hiatus. I decided to banish myself from the kingdom as punishment for my shenanigans but I had trouble getting back in. I tried bribing the guards but they get paid too much - a small oversight - so they weren't interested. In the end I had to sneak back in disguised as a cardboard box with cats taped to it.

Look, it made sense at the time, and it worked, so I'm going to stand my methods.

None of this has anything at all to do with Shakespearean theatre of course, but if you are a member of the Royal Shakespearean Company of Longburnia (Longburnistan? Longburnianapolis?) I want you to take this as an official warning to bring those codpieces under control. Seriously, they're a disgrace. Cut it out.

A single monkey at a single keyboard,
~King Longburns.