Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Trouble in the workshop.

Merry Christmas!
I hope everyone is doing well, and that the lead up to Christmas hasn't been too crazy for you.

I live in Australia, so it's been really warm down here.
We had some record high temperatures, so... er... good for us?
Actually, it was very uncomfortable and everyone was pretty exhausted from it.

Planning to eat a roast dinner on a 35 degree day,
~King Longburns.

P.S. This is probably my last comic for the year. See you in 2016!

Friday, 11 December 2015

Nobody tell Disney.

Just for the record, I'm going to call this parody, and say that it falls under "fair use".
That is assuming that "fair use" is still a thing.
Lawyers like to mess with that kind of thing, in exchange for large sums of money.

Hmm, large sums of money I say?
I think I'm in the wrong profession.

Anyway, I hope you're all ready for Christmas.
I'm not, but I like to do everything at the very last minute.
Or just late. I do that too.

I'm planning on doing an actual Christmas themed comic next.
The last/other Christmas comic I did I put out some time in August one year, so doing one actually at Christmas time will be novel.

Living by my own schedule,
~King Longburns.

Monday, 7 December 2015

Robbers be robbing.

Hi everybody!

So Christmas is approaching rapidly, and I am woefully unprepared.
I need to get gifts, and I don't think anyone I know wants or needs anything that they can't easily get themselves.
Sure, that's good for them, but where does it leave me?

I have a cunning plan though. I'm going to [REDACTED] and get some things for people from [REDACTED].
This should have [REDACTED], and [REDACTED] some really cool gifts, and I won't even have to do much.
I've basically already done it.
Go me! High-five!

On an unrelated note, I have a store, so if you also haven't bought gifts yet, why not have a look?

Probably updating the store now, or later, maybe in a bit,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 27 November 2015

The Icy Breath of Death.

Hello all.

I was sick again this last week, so I wasn't able to get a comic out.
I'm back now though, so don't worry, comics are in production again.
Or do worry. You can react to my comics however you like.

Worryingly reassuring,
~King Longburns.

P.S. The weather around here has been bouncing between too hot and too cold on an almost daily basis for weeks now, even more than it usually does. As a result I will no doubt catch every cold in existence.
I will also be developing some new ones of my own!
Look for them in stores this Christmas.

Friday, 13 November 2015

The immune system: Best of friends. Worst of enemies.

What's this?
Another comic? Less than a week after the last one?
What sorcery is this?

Well, I was a bit late with the last one, so I'm trying to catch up.
Also, this one was already half done, and had been sitting around unfinished for more than a year.
I cheated, basically.
If anyone asks though, definitely tell them that is was some manner of sorcery.

This week's comic is relevant, too, as I was sick recently. That's why the last comic was late.
I'm fine now though.
Thanks for asking. That's very nice of you.

Feeling much better,
~King Longburns.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

And a good time was had by all.

So PAX was fun this year.
I saw a lot of cool things... I think.
It can be a bit hard to tell, mainly because I spent a lot of time staggering around blinking at all of the coloured lights.
There's a lot of sensory overload going on there.

I was, as usual, completely unprepared for the experience.
I did manage to make it to the talks that I wanted to, and that's one of the main things for me.
I even managed to accidentally see at least one talk that I hadn't planned on by queuing up too early.
It turned out well. Would recommend.

The highlight of PAX was, of course, the invention of Bat-Porn.


I have filled today's comic with cos-players wearing obscure and out-dated character costumes.
See how many you can find!

I also included someone dressed as Mona from The Last Halloween by Abby Howard, which is not out-dated at all, and which is, in fact, a good read.
Basically I was reading it while I drew this.

Let's call it a tribute and hope it's well received.

Hoping it's well received,
~King Longburns.

P.S. I got savagely ill a few days after PAX. Well, "savagely"  might be a bit of an exaggeration, but...
PAX Flu strikes again!

P.P.S. This years Commander Keen count was at least 2, possibly 3.
Doing great, people.
Keep the Dreams alive.
Keen Dreams.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

Miniature ghosts and witches walking around in full daylight because that's how we roll.


Did I get you?
No? You in the back?

It's Halloween, which means once again experiencing the deep shame of not having enough lollies to give to passing costumed children.
One time all I had was breakfast cereal.
It wasn't even good cereal.
It was crappy cereal.
Like Wheaties.

Here in Australia we took a while to warm up to Halloween.
We're aware of it but participation is very much optional. No tricking will occur.
Also, it's in the middle of spring over here, so it's warm, and kids will be trick-and/or-treating in full daylight.
If you T.P. someone's house, they will see you, and tell your mum.

I'm posting this comic a bit early this week because I'll be at PAX Aus tomorrow, and over the weekend.
I won't be there in any official capacity. I just bought a ticket, and I will be going.
Feel free to say hello if you like.
There may be a high-five in it for you.

Preparing to become exhausted,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 23 October 2015


I studied philosophy at university and I had a lecturer who had a long, untrimmed beard and hair.
He looked a lot like the guy in today's comic.
It was exactly what I wanted when I signed up for philosophy classes.
The philosophy was secondary to the aesthetics of philosophy.


So, my entire life has basically been spent pretending that Back to the Future II was an accurate depiction of what the future would be like, and now I don't know how to feel.
We have passed their future date, and all we can do now is be annoyed that we don't have flying cars or hover-boards, and I can't wear a soundboard on my chest without people looking at me funny.

I've just decided that I will tell the children of the future that that's what the world was really like "Pre-Collapse".
If they ask me what the "Collapse" was, I'll just look sad, shed a single tear, and say "I'll tell you when you're old enough to understand" while staring out the window.
I'd make a great dad.

In other news, I've updated my store. You should go and check it out.
I have all my comics available as prints, as well as a seemingly random assortment of other products.
I may have gotten a little excited. As a result, you can buy a phone cover with an angry pharaoh on it.
Also on a notebook. And a pencil case. And a mug...
I stopped short of putting it on a skirt, but I did have the option.

This post is getting a bit long now, so I'll wrap up by saying that I'll be going to PAX Aus next week, so if you see me, feel free to say hi.
You can be the first to scare the living daylights out of me by recognizing me in public.
I'm told I do a fantastic double-take.

Doing a fantastic double-take as we speak,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 16 October 2015

Revenge is a dish best served slightly warm.

Hello all.
Man, I am pooped this week.
I am - both physically and mentally - just sick of it. I'm done.
I've made it to the weekend and now I'm looking forward to staring at the walls.
Alternatively I may stare at some form of entertainment delivering screen all weekend.
This seems more likely, actually.

In other news, I need to update my shit.
My store is way behind, and I really need to get my webpage to work a bit better.
Blogger really isn't set up for this kind of page, unfortunately.
"Yes! Please! Why the hell haven't you already done this?!" I hear you say.
Well, my assistant here will be happy to answer all of your questions...

Gesturing towards an empty corner of the room, then running away,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 9 October 2015

Insert hilarious gorilla/gameshow related pun here.

Hello all.
Today's comic is the fifty-first comic that I've posted here, which means that last week was a semi-important milestone that I didn't notice at the time.
I think belated hoorays are in order.
They are like normal hoorays but you have to say them as though you're rushed and out of breath.

I'll try to remember to celebrate comic one hundred. How about that?

I thought of today's comic while watching an episode of The Addams Family which had a gorilla in it.
I can't say that that was an exciting origin story for this comic, but I can say that I enjoyed watching The Addams Family.
I highly recommend it.
Four stars.

Handing out unsolicited reviews,
~King Longburns.
Four and a half stars.

Friday, 2 October 2015

He'll always be Dinklebot to me.

Hello all.

For those who don't know, or those who don't care, there is a little flying robot in the videogame Destiny officially called a Ghost, and unofficially called Dinklebot.
Dinklebot used to sound like a slightly bored Tyrion from Game of Thrones, but now sounds like an upbeat and chirpy Nolan North type.

This seems to be an improvement, and I do indeed like to pretend that it's Niles from Frasier.
If that makes me Frasier, then I'm not complaining.
Kelsey Grammer is the shit.

Listening to the David Hyde Pierce-ish tones of Nolan North,
~King Longburns.

Thursday, 24 September 2015

Everyone's doing it. I just want to be popular.

Greetings from Australia, where we have lost yet another Prime Minister.
Not through death of course, or from misplacing them.
That could be fun.
No, this time it's due to Tony Abbott being a colossal dickhead/psychopath, who took a huge shit all over our international reputation, human rights record, and standard of living, among other things.
You know. That old chestnut.
The best part is that he got ousted four days too early to qualify for a Prime Minister's pension, though I can't imagine he needs it, and fuck it, he'll probably end up getting it anyway.

Basically he's a crazy arsehole, and I'm glad to see him gone.
No promises that the new guy will be much better.
We'll just have to see.


I brought back the Terror-Worm from comic whatever-it-was, so there's that too.
If you don't understand what the hell is going on in the second panel, feel free to read the other comic for some context.
Spoilers; there is not much context.
I'm trying to loosely maintain a continuing background fantasy universe here.
At the very least I'm going to to be consistent with it.

Planning self-indulgent story-lines that I'll probably never write,
~King Longburns.

P.S. The guy ate raw onions on at least two occasions, just nibbled on them on camera while talking to farmers, and then didn't seem to understand why that would be weird.
Normally I'd say that the idea of the world being ruled by shape-shifting space lizards was silly, but damn it if Tony Abbott didn't make a good argument for it.

Friday, 11 September 2015

A Pharaoh to remember...oh.

Hello all,
I didn't manage to post last week because I was sick, and so was my cat.
I can tell you with some authority that trying to catch and contain a cat to take them to the vet while you have a cold is not fun.
We're both feeling much better now though, so no need to worry.
Thank you for asking.

The fact that I felt the need to use (largely) actual ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) on this comic probably also contributed to the delay.
That's Tutankhamen's name on the back of the throne there.
Either that or a fun new recipe for pheasant.
It can be hard to tell.

Ankh reed bird man upside-down umbrella,
~King Longburns.

Thursday, 27 August 2015

All the best webcomics quote Isaac Newton.

According to the Wikiquote page on Isaac Newton, the above quote refers to a metaphor used by one Bernard of Chartres, who was a twelfth-century french philosopher.
So, you know, webcomics can be educational too.

At the very least, I feel more educated since I looked all of that up on Wikipedia just now.
I may not do a lot of research for these comics, but I do at least try to make sure I'm not being obviously stupid.

Appearing to know what I'm talking about,
~King Longburns.

Thursday, 20 August 2015

The Man With No Name.

Howdy, y'all!!
How are ye?
Oops. I think my genre slipped. Never mind.

I like to think of myself as a bit of a film buff, and I do appreciate a good western every now and then.
This week's comic draws on my experience with watching westerns, and western inspired films.
Also Road Runner cartoons.
Mostly that.

I got a bit carried away with this one and it took longer than it probably should have, but I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.
Also, I guessed what the mailman's outfit should look like, and then I googled it later on to check.
Turns out I was pretty close, at least in the sense that I found some picture of someone, somewhere, at some time wearing an outfit like it.
Frankly, that's close enough for me.

Shamelessly directing your attention to the donate button on the side of the page,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 7 August 2015

Female bass players are always cool. So says the 90s.

Ok, I'm going to say it.
I'm really pleased with how the band turned out.
I completely believe them as a band.
If they had an album, I wouldn't buy it, but I also wouldn't doubt that they exist.

This would all be great if my audience was just another thousand of me.
There would be a thousand totally convinced mees.

In case you are wondering, I spelled that last word phonetically because it's a made up word and doesn't work written down.

In other news, last week's comic was surprisingly popular, and it broke my previous most-viewed record overnight.
I basically did a perfect double-take when I checked the numbers in the morning.

Accomplished vaudevillian,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 31 July 2015

I didn't realize it at the time, but it turns out that this is actually going to be a thing.

Hello all,

Here's something that you might find interesting:
About half way through making this comic, I thought I would check to see if someone was actually making a Monopoly movie, or if this was, as intended, a stupid joke based on nothing.

It turns out that there is actually a Monopoly movie being made.
Also, the articles about it are only from the start of the month, so it's sort of still news.

I swear I didn't mean for this to be topical.
I'm so sorry. I'll try harder next time.

Accidentally culturally relevant,
~King Longburns.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

This comic is printed on 100% recycled virtual paper. Save the trees, hug a whale.

Hi everyone!

Here's a fun fact for your day:
I come from Australia, where the government has decided that strip mining for coal is rad, but wind farms are offensively ugly and must be stopped.

I'm pretty sure they're about six weeks away from declaring war on trees.
(That's the loose connection that this rant has with the above comic.)

If Australia has a terrorism problem, it's only because we accidentally voted them into power.

You didn't hear it from me,
~King Longburns.

P.S. Reporting on human rights abuses committed by the government will probably get you arrested.
Anyway, enjoy the comic about trees.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

This one doesn't even have a long bottom. What a jerk.

Hello all.
How are we? Good I hope.

I don't cook a lot of food, but I made some pâté on the weekend and it turned out quite nice.
It tastes like pâté and everything.

I followed a Jamie Oliver recipe that I got from a Youtube video by one DJ BBQ.
He seemed very enthusiastic about it, so I gave it a go.
Well worth it.

I recommend trying it out.
You'll have to make your own though.
This batch is mine.

I don't have any Chianti, or fava beans, but I do have giant mini-toasts,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 3 July 2015

Any resemblance to any existing terrible idea is purely coincidental, and something to be ashamed of.

The stories are true, but the names may have been changed to cover my arse.

Somewhere there are some people enthusiastically congratulating each other on being so clever to have introduced such a wonderful system.
These people get paid a lot more than I do.

Hypothetically, of course.

Half way between disgruntled and sick-of-it,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 26 June 2015

Who am I going to call? Nah, I'll just spray the place. It'll be fine.

Every year, millions of ghosts are... something something something.
I don't know. I've got nothing.
Call to donate now.

This message approved by,
~King Longburns.

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Not a Twilight fan-fiction.

Hi again,
There may have been a small delay on this comic, but it's all fine now.
It's been a big few weeks for me, what with me having my birthday and then getting a chest infection.
Also I quit smoking. All these things may be mysteriously connected.

Does anyone else get the impression that whoever wrote 50 Shades of Grey wrote it just so that there was something that wouldn't be described as "a better love story than Twilight"?
Because good work on that account.
Congratulations, I guess.

I can't remember the name of the 'writer', and I refuse to pay them enough respect to even google their name, because 50 Shades of Grey is, by all accounts, terrible.

Some might say that this is just a matter of opinion.
I say that the writing in 50 Shades of Grey is objectively bad.

Deliberately preaching to the converted,
~King Longburns.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

New from Milton Bradley! (not actually associated with Milton Bradley)

Hello fine people.
I hope you're all keeping well.
It's cold down here right now, so I'm sitting next to the heater.
Hopefully you're not any colder than I am right now.

The idea for the above comic came to me the other day when I was spinning an onion and someone else made this joke.
They're a photographer though, and it's hard to photograph word gags, so I'm stealing the shit out of it.

Actually, this could probably be made to work as a photograph.
If you are a photographer, why not give it a crack?
At the very least you'll get to make some kids cry.

In the end, isn't that all that anyone really wants?


Planning some amateur photography,
~King Longburns.

Thursday, 30 April 2015

Tough crowd.

Hi! How are you?
Wait, should that be "how art thou?"

So, cats again, eh?
Have you met a cat before? If so you've probably figured out that it's true; all cats are shit-heads.
There's a range to it, sure - some cats are quite nice - but there's always a point where it's all about the cat,
and you are there solely for the cat's service or entertainment.

If cats could talk I'd hang around them just to hear their snappy insults.
Also, cats tend to like me, so I'd be the one to say "Oh shit! You got sassed by a cat!"
Then I'd give the cat a high-five.
That'd be sweet.

Looking for a cat to high-five,
~King Longburns.

Friday, 24 April 2015

Look at them, with their haircuts and their stupid clothes...

So this weeks comic is a little late.
This is due largely to my being a bit slack, and the fact that I forgot how long it takes to draw a comic with many panels.
Long. That's how long.

As a special treat, this weeks comic guest-stars my brother as himself.
I think it turned out pretty well.
In fact, I'm going to say that it's a perfect likeness, because who's going to know.

Well... apart from close friends and family, obviously.
So, you know, about fifty percent of my audience.

Hi, Mum!

Appealing to the masses,
~King Longburns.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

One part wee per million.

Hello again.
This week I have been putting off playing GTA V to bring you this comic.
It is a sacrifice that I was willing to make.
It's up now though, so I'll be on just as soon as I finish typing this.

I once told the citizens that the river was homeopathic and cured all ills in order to save on healthcare costs.
To be fair, it does have traces of arsenic in it.

Selling my sweat as a brain and nerve tonic,
~King Longburns.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015


Hello everyone, and welcome once again to the King Longburns is Making Comics Again Show.


That's... er... that's pretty much the show.
There's a comic up there for your enjoyment, but I haven't prepared anything else.

Maybe I can make a show where you can watch me stare at uncoloured lines for twenty minutes before making another cup of coffee.
Actually no. Let's not do that.

Building a catapult out of mud and leaves,
~King Longburns.

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated, and spread by me.

So it's been a while, hasn't it?

Want to know why? No? Too bad.

Long story short, I tried to buy a house.
Not any specific house, just a house, because I have a general need for housing.
It turns out that this eats up a lot of free time.
Sadly for my webcomic, I had to make avoiding homelessness a priority.

Unfortunately, after many months, plans fell through and I was not able to buy a house.
Fortunately, I did find a house to rent, and it is a perfectly good house.
Also I don't have a mortgage now, so there's that.

I don't want to downplay that. I continue to not owe anyone hundreds of thousands of dollarydoos.
That's a good thing.

In other news, my four remaining fans may notice that I've updated the look of my page.
It is no longer 'crappy' and is now simply unprofessional.
At least now I can say that it's on purpose.
This may or may not be a good thing.

Secretly just wanted to draw the terror-worm,
~King Longburns.

P.S. I just remembered what day it is today. Don't worry. This isn't a gag.
Or worry. Whatever. You're your own person.