Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Hercule Poirot and the Moustache of Face.

Ah, hello there. Welcome to the Longburns Health Spa and Sanitarium. Do you have a reservation?
Ah yes, under "Shatner". No, no, I assure you that never gets old.
Feel free to enjoy the facilities. They have been carefully selected to be a relaxing distraction from the stresses of everyday life.

It's odd though... Relaxing as it may be, I often have the strangest feeling that it would also be the perfect place....  FOR MURDER!!!

Sorry. Sorry, everyone. Sorry. I didn't mean to alarm everyone.
IT'S FINE, EVERYBODY! Please go back to your rooms.
There's no murder. It's fine. Everything's fine. No, please Colonel, put that away. It's fine. I was joking. It was just for dramatic effect. Yes, Mrs. Winterbottom, I know you have a heart condition. I'm very sorry.

Now where was I?
Ah, that's right. I was talking about MURDER!! (Sorry, sorry)


I personally am not a huge fan of crime dramas. I'm not against them, they're just not my thing. My mother on the other hand likes them very much, and will watch any show as long as it is technically a crime show, good or bad. As a consequence I have seen a few myself.

British crime shows can be dark. Like unshaven, alcoholic detective sleeping on his couch investigating child murder rackets dark. Don't ask me what a child murder racket would be. People manage to make businesses out of all sorts of things. In my experience, these shows are equal parts grim detectives being grim, and people crying mucus into their tea.
They will end with the murderer also crying mucus into their tea.

American crime dramas on the other hand have a tendency to be much lighter. Detectives in these shows wear sunglasses and are followed around by The Who. The family members of the victims look like they just lost a hamster. The characters will have attractive, white teeth and will stride about spitting catch-phrases. People take psychics seriously.

Ok, I'm going to get sidetracked here, but what the hell is with Medium? It somehow feels as though that show has done me a personal insult. And is it just me or does the main character come across as being kind of an entitled arsehole? I saw her threaten to kick her husband out of bed because she was hallucinating that everyone - including her husband - were one specific guy. She told him off like he was doing something wrong. She once built a bomb in her house while sleepwalking, and then got defensive about it.
Don't make bombs in your house. That's dangerous.

I like to pretend that she has no psychic abilities at all and is just delusional. It's much more fun this way. The show also makes a lot more sense. Give it a try.

Wait, is that show even still on...?

...no. Hmm.

That's ok. Don't bother. It was a bit shitty.
I think that's a general summary of what I'm saying here.

Alison Dubois! That's her name.
Yeah, that's a couple that should try separate bedrooms.

I think I've rambled enough. The Royal Treasury can only afford so much.
~King Longburns.

P.S. Hi, Mum! I'm waving. Can you see? Hi!